I Think Showing Vulnerability Will Kill Me: Why To Not Talk to People!

[mackerelgray]

Written by Gavin Reed-Machina on January 30th, 2026.

See, the problem with fronting, being embodied, being the person who’s talking and thinking and feeling in the main self-space of our skull, is that - honestly? Genuinely? I don’t want to be honest with people!

Well, obviously that’s a simplification. I’m a pretty honest person when it comes to everything besides me. I’ve written a couple of essays about my humanity and personhood and an earlier post venting about in-system caregiver burnout. All of those have real, sincere opinions I’ve held.

The species identity essays aren’t about me specifically. They’re more about humanity in general, more for the alterhuman community at large. I’m proud of those. I liked putting them out there and seeing how many views those essays got, how many people have dropped a positive comment.

The vent post was... a vent post. It’s emotionally honest in a very raw, unedited sort of way. It’s a journal entry. And I was writing it out on my website, on my blog, I have the right to process how I’m feeling in text, don’t I? Obviously. It’s my choice to post it at all, or put it somewhere people can see it. I could decide to take it down today. I want to take it down a lot. Every other time I think about it, I consider scrubbing all traces of its existence off the internet.

Buuut I’m not doing that, and I’m writing this for the same reason, because I think it’s important to talk about how I feel despite how uncomfortable it makes me. I’m not overwhelmed with anxiety, I’m not dreading it so bad I can’t deal with it, I’m just... nebulously worried about something. Can’t exactly name what it is. That something may or may not happen. So I’m gonna put this out somewhere so my brain learns that talking about it isn’t automatically going to suck.

I’m not too sure where I picked up that it’s dangerous to show real opinions? Real fear and excitement and frustration? I think a solid part of it was being trans, internalizing that masculinity and being taken seriously as a man means being unemotional. And it might also be trauma, my childhood, whatever, but really who cares why it exists - what matters is it’s affecting me right now and it fucking sucks.

It’s stifling my desire to talk to people and learn about what I like, because having certain opinions is vulnerable. I’m telling you something I feel, and I have to trust that you’ll take it well. And of course my loved ones would take it well. You’re choosing to be around me, of course you wouldn’t judge me, I wouldn’t judge you for the same thing - but the feeling is here anyway, and it doesn’t go away when I avoid talking and fronting and shrink my world smaller.

So this is another journal entry! Another unpolished rant to process my feelings, and I’m putting it up here to be seen because my brain is saying I need to stop talking about this. Like it’s bad for me specifically to show weakness, right? I’m good at dealing with anxiety when it’s coming from other people, and I wouldn’t call their problems weakness, but when it comes to yourself, oh boy, all bets are off, you gotta come up with reasons why you can’t do something you’d encourage anyone else to do! Brains love hypocrisy, it’s their favorite drink.

That’s a bit unfair. My brain doesn’t maliciously try to mislead me - it’s a couple pounds of electric jelly that learned over the years of its life and millennia of evolution that being socially rejected is dangerous, and it’s figured out that a way to avoid rejection is to avoid sharing any information or acting in any way that could be used against me.

Unfortunately, my brain’s definition of not being dangerously vulnerable can range in content and severity from “I’m not going to discuss my trauma in public with strangers” (extremely reasonable and genuinely protective) to “I’m going to throttle my enthusiasm for things I enjoy in front of my loved ones” (was reasonable while being belittled in high school, currently unreasonable with friends who are emotionally mature) to “I have to isolate myself when I feel stressed or sad or scared because showing anyone would be a death sentence” (empirically false, I’ve talked to people about this and I haven’t died yet, bitch!)

It’s trying its best. Its best isn’t very good, but it’s doing it! And I can’t be an asshole while someone’s trying to improve, including to myself. Punishment’s a shitty motivator. So to reiterate, I’m posting this to show my brain that talking about something vulnerable won’t automatically kill me. I’m starting with the introspective terror of being known first, everything else better be easier - hopefully the next step is talking about something I like!